


Neighborhood Experiment, Take 483

by pollitt



Category: The Good Place (TV)
Genre: Gen, Mission Report, Transcribed, reboots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-18
Updated: 2017-12-18
Packaged: 2019-02-16 14:13:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13055625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pollitt/pseuds/pollitt
Summary: Michael tries to make sense of what's worked (some), what hasn't (lots), and what to do next (try, try again).





	Neighborhood Experiment, Take 483

**Author's Note:**

  * For [scintilla10](https://archiveofourown.org/users/scintilla10/gifts).



> Happy Yuletide, Scintilla! I hope you have a lovely holiday and enjoy the story!
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks to T for the idea bouncing and support. You are a good egg. The reboot/experiment that inspired this one (#484, with Michael in the sweatsuit, t-shirt, a tie around his neck, a drink in hand, and scruff) was too good not riff off of.

**Transcription Details: G.O.O.D.P.L.A.C.E. Project**

**Input Reel-to-Reel File: Michael_Architect**

Transcription begins:

 

 **[Michael]** Notes log attempt number four hundred eighty-three of the neighborhood experiment. I’m moving from daily notes to weekly logging because _we_ are supposed to be torturing the humans, not ourselves and subjecting myself to a daily note would be . . . I’m digressing.

This is a review for attempt four-eight-two. There have been enough kinks in these plans that it’s starting to feel at the level of an instant online best-seller with the same level of understanding, which is to say none. For everyone kink that seems to be fixed, another two seem to pop up like a pet hydra.

  _*sound of fingersnails scratching scruff*_

Side notes: I need a shave. Also it’s almost hydra propagation season.

I’ll start with the good:

  * It only took twenty-four days.
  * Eleanor continues to hate her house, although it might be time to retire the clown decor. More on that below.
  * Jason continues to loathe silence and I’m happy to say, save for the attempt that will not be named, remains the most oblivious to what is happening.
  * Chidi’s stomach could be a multi-universal constant.
  * Starting Tahani in a smaller house leads to jealousy and dissatisfaction at a more rapid pace.



Things for future reference and lessons learned:

  * The acid wash, high-waist overalls on Tahani resulted in a meltdown that almost upended the entire chaos sequence. See attempt two, seventeen, eighty-four, and two hundred and thirteen for previous examples.
  * Brussel Sprouts. Not as controversial as expected. Same goes for mushrooms.
  * I don’t think the possibility of shape-shifting has been explored enough. If, for whatever reason, we have to do this all again, again, I propose transfiguring Tahani into a giraffe. My only concern is to do that in a way that won’t rouse Shawn’s suspicions.
  * Treating the initial neighborhood experiment as an outlier, the presence of clowns exponentially increases the likelihood that Eleanor will figure it all out. Admittedly making Marc-with-a-c’s backstory as a classically-trained French mime who saved a family of ducks while also thwarting what appeared to be an assassination attempt but turned out to be a movie filming starting Stone Cold Steve Austin translates into Shellstrop-speak as a French clown who fell off the Eiffel Tower and didn’t get to actually meet S.C.S.A.
  * I think it’s also safe to say that unless we start erecting actual physical barriers, there’s no point in trying to keep the four humans from meeting one another. Whether we bend over backwards, forwards, sideways, and back again to keep them apart or have everyone meet day one, it’s going to happen. I have a sinking suspicion that there’s some little grain of memory that’s building up with each reboot and it’s blistering up, ready to pop. I actually overheard Eleanor and Chidi discussing frozen yogurt flavors while sitting at the the Beatle Juice Bar and I know there was a brushing of hands that was not entirely accidental. And unless Jason has been looking at Janet



_*dinging sound*_

**[Janet]** Hello, Michael

 **[Michael]** I made a mistake.

 **[Janet]** How so?

 **[Michael]** Well isn't that the big question? I'm sitting here a thousand days into this experiment trying to figure out where it's going wrong.

 **[Janet]** Time may pass differently in my boundless void as compared to here, but by my calculations we are not at one thousand days. It has been less than one day into this experiment. Perhaps that will help you to discover where your mistake was.  

 **[Michael]** *sighs* My mistake was that I didn’t mean to call you, not -- You know what? Nevermind. You don’t remember either. Goodbye Janet.

 **[Janet]** Goodbye Michael.

_*dinging sound*_

**[Michael]** Now where was I? Right, Jason has been looking at. . . his former quote/unquote, wife, with something that I believe they call puppy dog eyes and since Ja... she has also been rebooted as many times as they have, she has no reference for why that may be. And Jason, Chidi, and Eleanor all have that flush around Tahani as if some part of the tiny little brains remember she’s seen them naked. Sometimes, and I’ll admit it twinges something in the cavity between where those airbags would be in my chest, I’ll catch a look on all of their faces when they think that just maybe they’ve all seen each other naked.   

Assorted notes:

  * Jason remains the most elastic of the four humans in terms of adaptation to each scenario. Especially if his ability to talk is revealed before we hit day ten. His prior experience on Earth to waking up to find himself in a “dope-ass waiting room” and being told some “pretty heavy shirt” can be attributed to this adaptability. He would make a excellent test subject for the attention splitter once this experiment is over, and providing that R&D gets the slicer calibrated. They have 365,000 days to figure it out.
  * The fountains around the neighborhood should be utilized more. Maybe have one of those energy drinks that are spelled phonetically and use -z instead of -s in the name. Failing that -- soup. Especially cream-based.
  * It might be time for the bees with teeth.



_*sounds of knock on door and microphone being set onto desk*_

**[Female Voice]** Michael?

 **[Michael]** Vicky?

_*sound of door opening and footsteps*_

**[Vicky]** You forgot to tell the golden retriever that he wasn’t Eleanor’s soulmate for this go-round and he bit Nathan and ripped his human suit. That, of course, revealed a chunk of his molten form, which Tahani saw before Nathan could cover it up and she screamed, Chidi fell off the balcony, Jason called it all gnarly, and Eleanor figured it out. This time it was "Holy shirting shirtballs, this is the forking bad place."

 **[Michael]** Fork.

 **[Vicky]** Maybe next time you’ll take some of my suggestions and we can get through day one. Chuck is really aching to sink his teeth into a role. Or a person. He really wants to sink his teeth into someone.

 **[Michael]** I need a drink.

_*sounds of drawer opening and a heavy glass object being set onto desktop.*_

Ice.

_*sound of ice cubes spontaneously appearing in and clinking against the sides of a rocks glass*_

Here we go again.

_*snaps fingers*_

 


End file.
